figured it out. It being the thing that is lacking in my relationships when it comes to the men in my life, there’s no transparency. I’m guilty of not being completely open & accepting that they aren’t with me. The question is how do I fix it?

Tis for Transparency 

I found myself in tears & needing someone to listen to my blubbering and help me get through it. I didn’t give it a whole lot of thought, I called Sugar Bear.  He is someone who I met via the inter-webs if you will. We spent quite a good bit of time in what I’m going to call a “phantom style” type affair. See he knew what I looked like but I had no idea what he did. It didn’t really bother me either. This was not some Catfish type thing either. I didn’t fall in love with him or him with me; we just offered each other an outlet or entertainment or some mix of the two. It’s not exactly the easiest thing to explain but over the course of these many months we formed a bond. What I do know is this: he is a very lovely man, he treats me in a very lovely way & for right now this loveliness I speak of is enough. Fast forward to the present and yes Captain Obvious, I know what the man looks like.

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In a moment of anger, confusion & frustration like I’ve never experienced I completely lost it & gave into every single emotion I was feeling. I picked up the phone with zero hesitation &  I called him. I cried. I cried a lot. I cursed. I cursed a lot. I doubt I made any sense. He was there for me in a way that I can’t say I’ve asked a man to be in like forever. See my go to person in a moment like this is my bestie–but I didn’t. I did eventually though. She is actually one of the only people I know that is able to make sense of all the senseless that is my life. She’s the person I’m most transparent with but even that transparency had a cap. I can say that isn’t the case anymore. Breaking down can lend itself to a moment of openness & complete honesty. Secrecy isn’t easy. It weighs you down. For me I buried a  moment of pain and shame like I’ve never ever experienced.

Me, Myself & I

Back to Sugar Bear, he can be added to a list of a couple people who I know are there for me. Not just there to party, drink & Facebook with but who I can call day or night and say I need help. The thing about it though is he doesn’t want to be with me. He wants to wine & dine me but loving me not so much. Is it wrong that I’m okay with that? I don’t think it is. See I’m not living on some alternate planet where I’m saying I’m okay with this but deep down thinking that with the “right” amount of time it’ll change. It doesn’t have to. What does have to change though is my intention with the men I choose to date from here on out. I want it all. I want transparency. Someone who is there for the happy cry, the ugly cry & who I can just be me with. The me who’s a big dork. The me who strives for perfection & fails every time. The me who laughs when I shouldn’t. The me who can be a judgmental bitch. See that was a little taste of me being transparent.

I can say this, it’s not easy–this whole transparency thing. I’ve given it a little test drive & like a punch in the gut I realized that it’s a give and take thing. I can be Miss Keep it Real & Shit but up until now I’ve been minus Mr. Keep it Real & Shit. Okay, let’s keep it real I tend to fall for the wrong guy. Case and point Big Fun is the wrong guy. I know that he is and it’s not for the reason that it should be. I’m almost there. Almost ready to let go. I mean I accepted this was doomed from the beginning but what I felt in the beginning is very different from what I feel now. He’s selfish, he’s inconsiderate, he’s an ass & those are some of my favorite qualities in a man; if we’re keeping it real.

This is what I’m ready to put an end to.