DELETE - Visa eLearning Center

Good Christian Men, Think Twice

The man living in 21st century America won’t get good dating, relationship or marriage advice from most churches, unfortunately.

Most of what I’m writing here has been written about extensively elsewhere. It’s based on my experience and that of others writing around the manosphere.

My quarrel is not with churches teaching sound doctrines of the faith, nor with administration of sacraments and rituals, nor with providing fellowship for the faithful. Rather, the problem has arisen from churches and their well-meaning but misinformed membership and leadership offering dating, relationship and marriage advice which is both obsolete and not based on male and female nature. They’re trying to fashion solutions for a real problem, but failing at it because they’re listening to a feminized body which offers nothing to the men expected to be “part of the solution.”

THE PROBLEM AND RESPONSE

Feminism has completely infected and overtaken the North American Christian Church. Mainline Protestantism has been worst affected; both the predominantly white and black denominations. Roman Catholicism has had its problems but to a far lesser degree at least to this writer. The Church has also become more secular and “worldly”, which is to be expected with widespread feminism. The results have been increasingly masculinized women, getting degrees, earning their own money and asserting their own status as StrongIndependentWomen ™. At today’s churches, women run nearly everything except sermon preparation. This is because women do the vast amount of volunteering,Sunday school teaching, and organizing. They also tend to decide where the family will attend church, and – most importantly – how much of the family’s money will be tithed and donated to the church.

Sponsored Ads

Looking For A Christian Man to Get Married With? Try Loveawake Free Dating Site:

American Christian Men Dating

British Christian Single Men

French Christian Men For Marriage

Dating Christian Australian Men

Spanish Christian Men

Meet Christian Men Online From Italy

In most churches, girls are extolled as “daughters of the King” and “God’s Special Princesses”. Boys are told they are evil, predatory, violent and criminal. Girls are told that their sexuality is special and delicate; while boys are told their sexuality is deviant and dangerous. The entitlement mentality and stratospheric hypergamy among girls and young women at churches simply have to be seen to be believed. At the same time, most of the church men are either beaten down hapless betas who really do believe what they’re told they are; or hopelessly unattractive men who are trying to court women using supplication and pedestalization. 

Churches shame and bully “traditional” men into toeing the feminist line. Men are told their ideas are sexist and outdated, and ultimately that they are irrelevant. Most such men conclude correctly there is nothing for them at organized religious events or services.

At the same time, modern “ministries” have heard the age old complaint from young single church women — a variation of “where have all the good (Christian) men gone?” They also hear from men that they cannot seem to get to know any women at churches.

Those ministries have embarked on aggressive campaigns to encourage dating and marriage among the faithful while at the same time attempting not to offend women, their biggest volunteers and sources of funding.

The result has been a minefield for men. In a well-meaning but misguided attempt to help women and men find and meet each other, churches have held men’s feet to the fire while helping and excusing women. False theologies abound which excuse wives from submitting to and respecting their husbands, and which overvalue girls and undervalue boys. Men are given severe “man up!” lectures from all sides; while women are coddled and pampered from the pulpit. Men are given all responsibility; women are relieved of all agency. If a woman has premarital sex, it’s because (1) a man tricked her into it; or (2) she just wants to be a mommy. If a man has premarital sex, it’s because he’s a sinner. If a woman frivorces her husband, it’s because the man forced her into it such that she had no choice but to divorce him. If a man frivorces his wife, he’s the scum of the earth. If a man can’t find a woman to date, he’s obviously not Godly enough or confident enough. If a woman can’t find a man to date, it’s because men aren’t Godly enough or confident enough.

NAVIGATING THE MINEFIELD

Christian men should not look to churches for self improvement advice as well as for seeking good women to meet and date. Here are the mines to avoid:

“Man up!”

What this should mean is “grow up, take responsibility, and get better. Do what it takes to improve – spend some time alone; get a hobby; get back to work; become better read and educated, lose weight, get in shape, etc.”

But instead, in church, when spoken to a single man, “Man up!” means “you need to get married right away and be a father to children who might or might not be yours.” In traditional conservative parlance, “Man up!” means “man up and marry that slut.” When spoken to a married man, “Man up!” means “you need to step up and lead your wife the way she wants you to lead her, and you need to give her whatever she wants.”

There are a couple of things driving this. First is that men want sex; and so in Christian parlance this means a man wanting sex needs to get married. This is correct Biblical doctrine, but ignores the readiness and desires of the men and women involved.

The second thing driving this is the ever-louder and more frequent complaint from women that they want husbands (which is what is spoken, but which isn’t always true).

The third concept buttressing “Man up!” is that if a wife is unhappy, it is because her man is not Godly enough; and he is not leading her. What this really means is that he is not leading her the way she wants him to lead her and he is not giving her what she wants. He is either (1) a weak milquetoast of a man; or (2) an abusive tyrant.

Men, don’t listen to anyone in church telling you to “man up”. If you ‘re a single man, they demand that you get married off immediately, regardless of whether that’s in your best interest. If you’re a married man, it means you need to lead her the way she wants to be led (not the way YOU believe the family should be led).

Churchian Treatment of Pornography and Masturbation

The issue here is not whether the viewing and use of pornography is sinful; nordoes this post discuss differing doctrinal views on masturbation. Those matters are beyond the scope of this post. The point is the hypocritical and vastly different treatment between men and women on these subjects, and what a Christian man can expect from the Church on these subjects.

One of the hallmarks of current Churchianity is how pornography and masturbation are treated. The sex of the person involved is the key determinant. Porn use and masturbation by men are mercilessly and endlessly shamed and condemned. A man viewing porn (even looking at a Victoria’s Secret Catalog or looking too long at a scantily clad woman) is treated by many Churchians as adultery and thus grounds for divorce. Male porn use is viewed as being always wrong, and never, ever justifiable. Male masturbation is shamed and condemned as deviant, the result of perversion or sex obsession.

Female masturbation isn’t given much discussion in Churchian circles. But female porn usage is, and mostly it gets a pass. Female porn usually takes the form of emotional porn (Disney Jr. movies; romcoms), bodice ripper smut books, stories with occult/supernatural leading characters such as the “Twilight” saga (“gorenography”), and Janette Oke novels and the films made from them (“folklorenography”). More recently, female porn is more overt, and includes the “Fifty Shades of Grey” phenomenon and the feature film “Magic Mike”. Like female premarital sex, female porn use is excused, ignored, or rationalized away. Churchian rationalizations for female porn are simply astounding: (1) It isn’t “really” porn. There’s “porn” (women use it, it’s harmless) and then there’s PORN (men use it, it’s sinful and harmful). (2) It’s just a harmless diversion. (3) It’s just healthy female sexuality. (4) Each woman can decide for herself if looking at/using this material is sinful; while men’s using porn is automatically sinful.

In a healthy society, the men entrusted to a church for spiritual development would be married at young ages to women who love them and are attracted to them, and who have regular sex at reasonable intervals. What many Churchians fail to understand, or simply ignore, is that current society offers these men no healthy outlets for their sexuality. The Church certainly isn’t helping at all in this regard. These men are specifically told to select from among “Christian” women. Yet when they try to do that, they are either rebuffed repeatedly and mercilessly; or can’t get anything other than used up sluts who cannot or will not bond to them properly. Moreover, no one outside the Manosphere is doing anything to teach any of these men how to manage a relationship with an undamaged woman, much less how to do so with a woman with multiple sex partners in her past.

Pitfalls in Church Dating

Most blue-pill Christian men at churches fall into the trap of believing they need to find a woman at a church or at the churches they belong to. The problem is that unless he’s conventionally attractive, he will have very bad luck.

–Virginity, premarital sex, and hypocrisy.    Most never married Christian women age 18 and over have had premarital sex.  It’s pure myth that most such women are virgins; they most assuredly are not.   The premarital sex rate for Christians, both men and women, trails that of the general population, but not by much.   The point is not whether premarital sex is  sinful or wrong conduct; the point is the double standard and hypocritical treatment given to men vis a vis the treatment of women who engage in it.   At many churches, premarital sexual conduct by women is excused, explained, defended and justified.   The exact same conduct by men is judged, pilloried, denigrated and condemned. 
 
–Christianese.   This is a language most Churchians speak.  Characterized by things like:
“The Lord told me to______________”
“God laid it on my heart to do/say/be/go _______________________”
“I just felt led to _______________”
“My Holy Spirit said that I should ___________________”
“You can’t judge me!”   “Thou shalt not judge!”
“Take that beam out of your own eye before you try to help me with the speck in my eye!”
“He who is without sin among you cast the first stone!”
 
The wide usage of “Christianese” lets a man know he’s not really in a Christian church, but in a churchian church.   He’s bound to find lots of fake Christians, and not too many real ones.
 
–The “singles ministry”.   Most church singles ministries are a complete joke.  Most attractive people avoid them.   The men are shamed with “don’t you dare touch her” sermonettes, as well as neverending exhortations to sexual purity.  The women are endlessly validated and affirmed, with no such exhortations to women to keep themselves chaste.   Most singles ministries fizzle out because their stated purpose of serving as social mixers completely fail.  They resemble a junior high school dance, with pimply faced, nervous wreck men and awkward, homely young women standing on opposite sides of the fellowship hall.  
 
–Evangelical American Princesses.   They are conventionally attractive girls and young women.  There are always at least one or two in every church.  They garner nearly all the attention from the men, both single and married. They use this attention to create a reputation for chastity and virtue. However, once away from home at church camp, she uses her looks to get with – and in some cases have sex with – the top alpha, usually the worship leader.  Everyone at church believes the EAPs are the very pinnacle of female Christian virtue and goodness.   
 
The EAPs’ hypergamy is so ridiculously stratospheric that they really do have checklists. There literally isn’t a man alive anywhere who could satisfy them.  They demand absolute perfection – a personal trainer’s body, Brad Pitt’s face, George Clooney’s charm, Warren Buffett’s money, and Billy Graham’s spirituality. Any man who isn’t absolutely perfect is immediately NEXTed.  These are the girls who created the “nuclear rejection” (more on that below). 
 
–Nuclear Rejections.  A rejection, usually by an EAP, marked by loud denunciation, indignation, shock, horror, and insult.  Usually done publicly, in full view of others, so as to cause maximum embarrassment and humiliation to the man.    Any woman at the church who doesn’t actually see the nuke will hear about it later, thus ruining the man’s chances for any dating at the church ever again.   Examples:
 
“What on EARTH made you think I’d go out with YOU?”
“There is NO WAY I will date you.  EVER.”
“EWWWW!! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!!!”
“You’re too fat/bald/ugly/weird/poor/ghetto.”
“You’ve GOT to be kidding, right?”
“[Gives man look of abject, unmitigated disgust]  Absolutely NEVER!”
 
The purpose of the nuke is to put that man in his place, and make sure he abides by the unwritten rule of the “Desexualized Zone” (see below). 
 
–The “Desexualized Zone”.    Women increasingly expect churches and church functions to be places of freedom from “unwanted” interactions. Translated, this means women expect unattractive men to know their place and not to ask women out or otherwise talk to them at church.  They expect men either to avoid them completely, or to be eunuchs, existing to serve them.  There have been reports in the manosphere of women actually complaining to pastors about “unattractive” men asking them out at church. It is as if women expect pastors and church staff to punish and rebuke men for “sexual harassment” at churches, merely because in a social situation they acted like men and pursued someone/something they wanted.   Of course, none of this applies to attractive men, who are never the subject of complaint or sanction no matter what they do. 
 
–“Reformed” sluts.    (Not to be confused with actual, genuine reformed sluts, who really are trying to improve their lives.  This concerns the faux reformed.)   Every church has these as well.   These are women in their late 20 and early 30s with decent jobs and colorful pasts.  All have had multiple sex partners.  Most have never been married and have no children. Most show up at church, or are returning to church, after a parade of alpha sex partners, an abortion, contracting a sexual disease, a bad breakup with a long term boyfriend or fiancé; or occasionally after a brief failed first marriage.   She’s had her “come to Jesus” moment, she sees “the error of her ways”, she’s “tired of the games and the playas”, and she “wants to do it the right way this time”.   

Characteristics of a “reformed” slut:

 
1.   Speaks fluent Christianese.
2.   Extremely defensive about her past.
3.   Refers to her past as a series of “mistakes”. 
4.   Has at least one alpha relationship in her past.
5.   Excuses, explains, justifies and defends her past.
6.   Quick to defend sluts.
7.   Actively looking for a husband, and enlisting the help of anyone and everyone she can find in this task.
8.   Her taste in men has markedly changed.  She used to like motorcycle riders and investment bankers.   Now she’s decided she really, really likes nerdy accountants and guys who sing in church choirs. 
 
When Mark Driscoll and other pastors talk about “great” women in their churches who are over 30 and who really want to get married, these are the women they’re talking about.   These women are using church as a desperate last resort to find a husband.   Pastors and other women tout the “reformed” sluts as prime marriage material.   It’s done as a well-intentioned gesture to get these women married off.  It’s treacherous for men because too many of those marriages are destined for failure or sexless misery.    
 
–Heroic Single Moms.   Two subcategories here:  (1) the single never married baby mama; and (2) the divorced mom.   The Baby Mama is a woman who just wanted to be a mother, but the baby daddy/sperm donor is either a defective or unknown.  She works and takes care of her kids; no thanks to the men around her. She’s a hero, a superwoman, because she can do it all with pluck, spunk and aplomb.   Baby Mama is sold to unsuspecting betas as being a “ready made family” for those men to “step up” and “man up” and be a father figure for a kid who needs one.
 
The Divorced Mom is portrayed in church as a woman who just got unlucky. She’s no less a hero than Baby Mama.   Divorced Mom is just trying to make her way and piece her life together after she had no choice but to leave her no good ex husband.   Almost every one of these women tells a story of being grievously wronged and pulled through the wringer by a ne’er do well man who left her high and dry because he’s shiftless/lazy/unemployed/broke ass/drunk/addicted/an asshole.  The ex husband is the inveterate villain and Divorced Mom is the blameless, hapless, unsuspecting victim.   But ask the right questions and drill down deep enough, in almost every case you find out one of the following:
 
1.        She was unhappy in her marriage (by far and away the most common reason.   Press hard and what you hear is “I loved him but I wasn’t in love with him anymore”  “We just grew apart” “we just didn’t get along anymore” “we just weren’t right for each other” “We wanted different things out of life”).
 
2.       She married a douchebag for the tingles and he left her/cheated on her (common). 
 
3.        She cheated on him (not too common, but happens). 
 

CONCLUSION

Men, beware of the pitfalls of attempting to meet women at church.  At present it’s best to simply steer clear of churches as potential places for meeting women.